You may perceive why my anxiousness makes it onerous for me to speak in entrance of teams or make telephone calls to docs — however you may not perceive why my anxiousness makes it onerous for me to leap into group conversations with mates or why I’ll typically cancel plans to see these mates within the first place. You may not perceive that you simply aren’t an exception, although you like me, although you deal with me proper, although you’ve by no means carried out something to make me second guess myself.
It doesn’t matter who you’re or how lengthy we’ve recognized one another. Should you get a textual content from me, you most likely aren’t getting the primary model. You’re most likely getting a model that was edited for 5 to 10 minutes. And even when it looks as if I’m in a laidback, chipper temper, I’m most likely freaking out behind the scenes. I’m most likely leaping at each notification sound. If it takes you too lengthy to textual content again, I’m most likely apprehensive you hate me. Should you use LOL, I’m most likely apprehensive you’re pretend laughing. Should you point out the way you wish to see me quickly, I’m most likely apprehensive you’re solely saying that to make me really feel higher about myself.
I’m most likely not having a straightforward time socializing, even in the event you’re near me, even when we’re one of the best of mates, even in the event you assume my anxiousness by no means seems round you.
My anxiousness doesn’t discriminate. It will probably seem after I’m with my favourite individuals on the planet. It doesn’t imply you stress me out. It doesn’t imply you make me uncomfortable. It doesn’t imply you will have carried out something improper.
My anxiousness arrives on the strangest instances. I may be completely fantastic going to a celebration with you at some point, however the subsequent day I might need bother bringing myself to reply the telephone while you name. I might need bother following by with plans. I might need bother being a superb buddy who retains guarantees and all the time exhibits up when she’s invited.
Even in the event you can’t perceive why my anxiousness typically makes me uncomfortable round you, I hope you may perceive this: I like you. I care about you. I like spending time with you. And I hate when my anxiousness creates distance between us. I hate when my anxiousness convinces me to cancel plans with you on the final second or convinces me to attend hours to reply your texts or convinces me to drop off the face of the planet for weeks at a time. I hate when my anxiousness causes me ache, however I actually hate when it causes my family members ache.
I’m making an attempt my finest to cease letting my anxiousness get in between me and my friendships. However I need you to know that, if there’s ever a time after I’m not at my finest, it’s not as a result of I don’t love you. It’s not as a result of I don’t need you round. It’s as a result of, typically, my anxiousness makes it onerous for me to precise how a lot I care.